Chapter 87 Two Essays

Because of today's illness and semi-paralysis, I updated the two previous essays into the novel. As soon as this person gets older, his health is getting worse and worse. After eating overnight steamed buns, he can't get up, but his life still has to go on and the update will not stop. So I hope you can understand.

The old road is winding along the river valley, and the mountains are covered with thatched and ferns, looking desolate in the warm sunshine.

The mountains are as thin as waves, cyan, and the continuous river water floats in the bushes.

The old highway rustled, making a sleepy sound under the wheels, and the light dust was blown away by the wind.

I lean on you and feel a little dizzy.

I don't know how long the car drove and stopped at the foot of a mountain.

I carried my simple luggage and didn't have time to take a closer look at the surrounding scenery, so I went to your house.

On the old road, the rough sand emitted sharp light. In such a halo, my body was a little shaken, uneasy and confused.

There is a locust forest in front of the village, which is dense and shady, and the village is slightly dark and desolate.

The open fan-shaped fields, in the summer when I was 25 years old, were yellow, strong, dazzling, reflected on my skin and had a burning feeling.

Last night, such a scene came back to life again in my dream.

Your mother is thin, wearing a long gray shirt and busy happily.

I will help your mother wash the vegetables.

Your mother and I seem to have been together for many years.

She always looks back and smiles at me inadvertently.

I regard this wooden earthy house as my other home.

In the wooden cabinet, there is my white dress.

The room is dark, a small window opens to the east, and the sterling silver-like evening comes at the right time.

I took your hand and walked on the country road. The white hills surrounded the mountain beams, and a sunset glow was like a lotus floating on the water.

Yes.

Maybe you have forgotten these.

And everything is such an accident.

I studied at a university in the provincial capital.

The university is located in the suburbs, remote and messy, and the campus is full of reeds and broad-leaved forests.

Gras leaves and leaves are covered with dust and thick, causing the branches to fall down.

I'm obsessed with dust.

That's the taste of life.

I received your letter.

I don't know why you wrote to me, because we haven't seen each other for two years.

I didn't seem to have finished reading the letter, so I spread the paper to reply to you.

Our letters are very short.

After the letter was sent, I was a little regretful. I seemed to be impruly. How could I easily agree?

In that spring, the rainy season was particularly long, and the rain net covered me.

There is no cement road in the suburbs, and the mud forms a huge flow in the ditch.

The gardenia turned over overnight, and the buds exploded.

Under the wall, all kinds of flowers are invited.

The lonely campus expands my youth. Looking back, it is so illusory.

When I got married for many years, I gradually fell in love with the pain of the past.

The pain eventually becomes a sign of puberty.

When I wake up in a dream, how warm the pain is.

Intoxicated and tearing, but disappeared without a trace.

One afternoon, when I was sorting out materials in the office to get off work, I received a phone call.

The phone is like a tunnel, the sound is empty (like an unshrinkable pupil), and there are distant echoes (like a disappearing person suddenly standing in front of you).

The caller seemed to be muddy all over, at a loss and looked around blankly.

The book in my hand slipped to the ground.

"Can you marry me?" This is your voice.

This is the first time you contacted me after working in the provincial capital for two years.

is also your last sentence.

I said, I just took a wedding photo yesterday. Why didn't you say it two days in advance? I heard the sound of oh-oh on the phone. You seem to be vomiting and can't spit out anything. It's blocked in your throat.

I said, wait for my call tomorrow.

I stood in the office, and I seemed to see a wall collapse in front of me.

In the village with a clear river, under the tall sequoia, my adolescence ended silently.

I got off early and entered another track, which was two years ago.

In an instant, I went up against the river, and the distant scenery and things flashed.

My throat was tightly pinched by an invisible hand.

I squatted on the ground, holding my head with my hands and trembling all over.

But I didn't call you in the end.

I can't.

Otherwise, everything will change.

I have been altered, and I can't be altered anymore.

I can't be a person who is completely unreliable.

I met you last spring in the city where you lived.

Maybe you don't know me anymore, or you don't see me.

We passed by mistake.

Yes.

We all live on dusty faces.

I'm thinner than before. I'm with a three-year-old child. The folds on my forehead are the texture of time. My former sharp voice is now much weaker.

I see your slight aging and absent-mindedness when walking.

I don't know why I suddenly panicked when I met you.

I'm afraid you will see me, and I especially want you to see me.

I want to see you up close, whether you are unfamiliar with another person, or as you were 14 years ago.

Every time I go home, I will inquire about your whereabouts.

I'm afraid I won't hear from you, or you will become an unknown person.

In those years, you often went away alone and didn't go home for half a year without a trace.

I don't know why you live like this, but it must have something to do with me.

Yes.

That phone call back then was a mystery, just like a change in life.

I don't know anything.

I am a kite that has been flying for many years. In the summer of 1996, it floated to your roof.

It's a small room next to a school by the river.

I turn chrysalis into butterflies.

That night, it was a little sultry and hot.

I've been curled up and crying.

I don't know if it's because of unprepared happiness or because of my farewell to puberty.

The coming-of-age ceremony is so simple, painful, mysterious, and even a little scary.

There are noisy streets outside the room, and people come and go from time to time.

Unconsciously, I completely entered an unconscious state.

My gate has been opened, and you can see my garden.

I felt that the river was surging and flooded my city.

I floated like this, boundless and windy.

This is a death and a transformation.

A woman can't refuse the bar mitzvah.

I still remember that the narrow room is full of books, including Kawabata Yasunari's collection of novels, The Biography of Hemingway, the Complete Works of Haizi's Poems, Selected Five Poems, and "Hunter's Notes".

These are my favorite books.

This is a ceremony written with my body blood, so that I can see more purple and red at night.

The night is so vast and vast that it wraps my short life.

I sent you a set of the Complete Works of Montaigne.

Black, gold cover.

I imagine you reading it: you sit on a rattan chair, in your backyard, behind you is a jujube tree with blurred flowers. You read for a while, look up at the sky for a while, read for a while, you fall asleep, and the jujube flowers fall on you.

I love this yard.

There are scarlet pomegranate flowers on the wall, which are crazier than me before summer.

Outside the wall is a lush field, and vegetables are green.

In the distance is a white camellia.

Now, it is this season, although my body is getting barren, and at this time, my whole body is covered with the fragrance of pomegranate and camellia.

Enchanting and beauty will start over and over again in me.

Yes.

That's another blood of mine.

You left me the temperature and breathing.

Fourteen years later, I suddenly received your email.

You said you had never opened the Complete Works of Montaigne.

You are afraid to open it as if it were an undead.

You said that it was a tombstone of adolescence.

It's just that every spring and autumn, you will wipe its cover.

You said that the cover is my face.

You said that your decisive decision in those years did not want me to remember too much.

You said that your phone call was made to me three days later. You can't support the oppression of life, and you are on the verge of collapse.

You said that when we separated, you were no longer young.

After reading your letter, I really want to see you.

We live on the same river, and you are upstream. I think of the ancient poem "You live at the head of the Yangtze River, I live at the end of the Yangtze River, and I don't see you every day. Let's drink a river together."

In fact, I rarely think of you.

I already have a child.

When I touch my child, I know how much God cares for me.

That's the regeneration of my life.

I want to see your idea, but it will break through the ground at a moment, so involuntarily.

If you are old, I will cry on your shoulders.

I really want to see what you look like. I'm afraid I don't know you.

There is a kind of flower that blooms in the cold winter.

The snow is heavy, and the pedestrians on the road are drifting away.

And it competes for beauty in the snow.

There are five small petals, which are red.

You know, this is Hongmei.

You are a person who embraces red plums and steps on the wind and snow.

Bridge, broken bridge.

If there are several rows of weeping willows by the bridge, in the rainy April, the dusk lights will turn on and the sparse voices will sink into the river, such a sad beauty will aggravate the desolation of others' lives.

The last time we met was on the bridge.

In front of us is the sinking river, and the pear trees on the shore were luxuriant last night.

We stood silently.

The blurred drizzle splashed water on the water.

What flashed into my mind was the cramps old road.

All the way, I entered your door.

I'm so panicked and happy.

As if that was my last manor.

I can prune the flowers and branches freely and listen to the cheers of birds under the jujube tree.

I looked for the red wedding dress in the wooden cabinet, but I couldn't find it.

I cried.

Your mother said a lot of soft words to me.

I cried so shyly and without hesitation.

Crossing the bridge and turning a small street, I sat under a camphor tree and was paralyzed.

You are so cruel.

Even if you are separated, you don't have a word of comfort.

I seem to hear a broken sound in my heart.

Everything is dead.

When I got home, I was very sick.

A month later, I stayed in the provincial capital.

Two years later, I got married.

I already belong to another starry sky, and what I reflect is just the darkness of the past.

In the violent backlight, I can't see you clearly. You are getting more and more blurred, and finally become a black spot and disappear in the light spot.

I also disappeared.

The girl who had an abortion in the sunset on her forehead was only 17 years old, and I didn't ask her name.

This is the thirteenth woman I have ever seen.

She is a welcome lady in the foot washing room. She is tall and has a round face. She wears a light blue dress and her long hair covers her right face.

On the way to the hospital, I said that Bantou had to sign a contract in the morning and couldn't come. He entrusted me to accompany you.

The girl said, "I know."

She took out KFC fried chicken wings from her food bag and ate them while walking.

I said, aren't fried chicken wings delicious?

You haven't eaten it, you won't be so old-fashioned, she said.

I said I had eaten it, but it felt very exciting to see you eating it.

She opened the food bag and asked if you want one. Take it yourself.

I said, no, maybe I don't taste good. You are a happy person.

I asked, are you afraid to go to the hospital?

She turned her face to me and said, "Isn't it just a knife?"

When she arrived at the Red Cross Hospital, a bag of fried chicken wings was also eaten by her.

On the bench at the door of the gynecological operating room, there were seven or eight girls queuing up for the operation. Several of them looked like college students and full of student accents.

When I went to register, the girl suddenly stopped me: "Brother, do you want to call the board and ask him to come over?"

I said, you are more suitable for this call. What can I do for you?

She said, it's okay. I just want him to come and have a look.

She stood by the window and muttered to the phone.

"The board head said that he was so busy in the morning that he couldn't come. It's up to you to decide anything."

The girl said, "Brother, thank you for delaying your time."

I said, I'm free in the morning. I'll find a good doctor for you and buy some toilet paper by the way. Wait for me here.

I know that the board is fine in the morning, and he doesn't want to come.

Yesterday he came to me and said that if you are free tomorrow morning, he will accompany my girlfriend to have an abortion.

I said I wouldn't go.

I said that it's not easy for me to do anything, and I have an abortion with someone else's girlfriend.

Botou said, I want to get out as soon as possible. We have been together for half a year, and it's boring to continue.

"Then it's too ruthless for you to do this."

I said, "Have you considered her feelings?"

The board head pressed the newly lit cigarette into the ashtray and said, "You are really a circuitous man. She is not my wife. Why do you care so much? If you don't soak her, others will still soak her.

I said I wouldn't go, and others thought I was doing something good when they saw it.

The board said, who called you my good brother.

As he said, he took out 2,000 yuan from his pocket and said that the remaining money after the operation was given to his girlfriend for nutrition.

I said, give me four thousand, and you write me a power of attorney. In case of a medical accident, it has nothing to do with me.

The board took out another 1,500, focused on it, put it back to Wu Bai, and said, 3,000, she can eat an old hen for several months with so much money.

The operation cost 276 yuan.

I helped her out of the hospital.

She said, thank you for being with me for a long time.

A big sweat burst out of her head, and her back was soaked.

She covered her lower abdomen with her hand and bit her lower lip tightly.

I said, where do you live? I'll give it to you.

She said, don't go, it's a remote rental house.

"Where is your home? Someone has to take care of it."

I said, "I don't know your name yet."

You call me Xiaozhu. I'm from Guangfengling. You haven't been there, have you?

I have been there. There are primitive forests in the mountains. Where do I often go to escape the summer heat?

I said.

Your parents will be distressed when they see you like this.

I said again.

She didn't say any more.

I said, I will open a room in the hotel. You can stay for two days and have a good rest. The waiter can take care of you. I will arrange food and drink. It's better than living in a rental house alone.

I think if I get married early, my daughter should be as big as Xiaozhu.

Xiaozhu and her sophomore daughter in the same year.

I still remember that on Xiaozhu's nylon stockings, there were spots of scarlet blood, which slowly turned black and astringent on the way to the hotel.

I have a bad impression of the gynecological operating room that will produce gastrointestinal**.

At the door of the operating room, I saw Xiaozhu lying on the operating table. She said to the doctor with pliers, "Will it hurt?"

The doctor wore a big white mask, revealing only one pair of eyes.

Ten minutes later, the doctor wrapped a ball of meat with toilet paper and threw it into the dark trash can with a pair of disposable plastic gloves.

The doctor said that you can get out of bed.

Xiaozhu said, let me lie down a little more.

Her voice was a little hoarse, as if it popped out of a broken string.

I don't know if it's because of pain or something else. There is a wriggling stream in the corners of her eyes.

The operating room is not big. There are two windows, the blower is whistling, the ceiling fan is clattering, and the fluorescent lights are flashing and screaming.

The smell of iodine and soda is huddled together.

I didn't look at her carefully that day.

Sometimes it's like this. At some point or moment, even if it's a person who has nothing to do with you, you can't bear to look at her (he) carefully, as if it were a black hole.

About half a year later, when I was playing games in the office one day, I received a phone call from a girl with a low voice and a ball of cotton stuffed in my throat. I said, "Brother, do you still remember me?"

I said who you are, I don't remember.

She said, Xiaozhu.

Xiaozhu? Which little bead.

I said.

You accompanied me to the hospital, she said.

I said, do you have anything to do?

She hesitated and said, can you come here for a moment?

Where are you? What happened? She said, you will know when you come here. I will wait for you at the Daguanyuan Teahouse.

Little bead wears a down jacket and shrinks in the corner of the sofa, like a penguin.

The bridge of her nose is red and her face is blue. Obviously, she has a cold.

It seems that she is much more mature.

She said, brother, I heard that you are very familiar with the leaders of the vocational college. Can you introduce me to study?

I said, you have been out of society for several years. What kind of graduation is it?

She said, reading the first year of junior high school.

I said, how do you want to go to school?

She said that in the city, it is difficult to survive without knowledge.

Her words surprised me.

To be honest, I despised her a little before - a girl easily tramples on her body, which is no different from tramples on her mother.

While talking to me, her phone never stopped.

She turned around, covered her mouth with one hand and held her mobile phone in the other, and said, "Brother, I have something to do, so I won't go at noon.

I said, you have so many big brothers, one big brother after another, you are happy enough.

She said that it was time to eat, and there were many phone calls. Several big brothers asked me to go to dinner.

Then your eating problem will be solved by the big brothers, I said.

She was embarrassed to say that I am a nibbler and can save food expenses.

She also said that I am uneducated. I only spend 800 yuan a month. If I want to eat, I have to go out on the street. Besides, sometimes I have to take care of my family.

I said that the board will give you some money every month.

Xiaozhu said that in the past, he rented my house, gave me 500 yuan of pocket money every month, and occasionally bought some clothes or mobile phones. Two months ago, we broke it.

I said why.

"The board head found another girl selling headdresses. It's fresh. How can you think of me? I might as well break it.

Although I'm a bargain, I won't go to the big store."

Xiaozhu said, "These big brothers don't want to go to my bed. I can see through this society."

I said that it is biased to say so. Of course, the outlook on life is different, the state of life is different, and the attitude towards life is also different. How old are you?

I also said that if you want to go to a technical college, I can help you, but the tuition is very expensive. In terms of living expenses, it costs nearly 20,000 yuan a year. How can you have so much money? It's not a small amount in three years.

She said that after entering, money can always figure it out.

About a year later, Xiaozhu called me again and said, "Brother, please help me. I don't know what to do."

I said, what's going on? I'm at work. Come to my office.

She said that it was inconvenient to talk about this matter in the office.

I said, are you going to be expelled from school?

She said, how do you know?

I said what I imagined a year ago, but I didn't say it.

Usually, Xiaozhu will send me text messages and send some blessings during the Spring Festival.

When I received the text message, it was rare for me to reply. To be honest, I just knew her and didn't know her very well.

When we met, Xiaozhu told me about the reason of the matter. She said that she lived with a big brother and was haunted by the eldest brother's wife.

I said, how can I talk to the dean? It's hard to say. I know you rely on this big brother to pay for living expenses, but it won't end like this.

Xiaozhu cried and said, big brother, I just want to break up after school and find something to do, which is an explanation for myself.

I said, well, you can find the dean yourself, do a deep examination, and explain your family situation. I hope the dean can understand you and give you a chance. It's really hard for me to say. After talking too much, the dean still thinks you are who I am.

Xiaozhu said, well, I will go back to school in the afternoon and go to the hospital for a physical examination in the morning. My lower body was kicked several times by his wife. You lend me two hundred yuan first, and I will pay you back.

I think she looks a little haggard, and I can't laugh or cry.

She doesn't look like a student at all. Her long bangs cover her whole forehead, revealing only one eye, which is much fuller than before, and has more freckles on her face.

The light from her pupils is scattered, like a broken flashlight from a front mirror.

When I met Xiaozhu, my child had just been born, and now my child is in primary school.

For so many years, Xiaozhu has been without news.

Occasionally, when I am with the board head and talk about the many women on the board head, I talk about her.

The board always looked disdainful and said, "You are such a rookie. I don't remember her. Do you remember, are you tired?

I said that you let so many women have abortions for you. Of course you don't remember. I did evil for you and accompanied your woman to the hospital.

That's what women are like. Chasing women is about the same as making money. If you have money, go faster. If you have women, chase them quickly.

said the board head.

A few days ago, a woman called me and asked me to invite me to dinner.

I said who are you? Why did you invite me to dinner?

She said, the person who owes you two hundred yuan, you forgot.

"Oh, Xiaozhu, where have you been for so many years?"

I said, "You are like a ghost, suddenly emerging from another world."

She said she has been in Jinhua these years.

She said that she wanted to see you when she arrived in Shangrao.

Xiaozhu is a little fatter than before and looks similar to a 30-year-old.

I said that you have a better temperament than before. Like a person from a big city, it seems that you have been very nourished over the years.

We have met a handful of times, but I don't seem to be unfamiliar with her.

She said that she was expelled from school that year, so she went to Hangzhou as a sales lady, worked for a year, and went to Jinhua with a man. Now the child is two years old.

I said your husband will come back with you? She said that she was not married yet and had an illegitimate child with Jinhua's man.

I think such a woman dares to do anything in her private life.

She said that the man is in his fifties. How can he marry him? Besides, he has a wife.

I said, do your parents know?

I know, but what can I do? Raw rice cooked cooked rice won't kill me.

She said.

You won't say I'm depraved, did you?

I said, how can I have the right to accuse you, but I don't appreciate it. This is a very embarrassing life, and it is difficult to face my future life.

"You have been to the bottom of the mountain, which is my hometown. You don't know that when I was seven or eight years old, I wanted to leave that poor country and live in the city one day.

I am uneducated and have no skills. I don't have the ability to make a living. Think about it, this life may be so scribbled.

I have made a lot of efforts to build my own life independently, but it is too difficult. It is almost impossible to live a materially rich life with my ability. I don't want to struggle in poverty, so I have to rely on others.

I know that this is a practice of myself, but I won't regret it. The choice is to pay a price.

As she said, she stretched out her right hand. "Look, these are all scars from cigarette butts. Life can sometimes make people feel painful, but what's the use of resentmenting yourself? When I'm in pain, I burn myself with a cigarette butt.

I don't remember what I said or didn't say anything that day.

When she was talking, I kept staring at a few irregular wrinkles on her forehead. I suddenly felt that people were easy to age and would not be noticed by myself, and sometimes not by others. Her aging seemed to come early.

In fact, it is easy to live a person's life. We allow others to degenerate and allow ourselves to survive. Life gives us the only evidence, which is the inner basis, even if this basis can never be shown to others.