chapter 6 Darkness, never ending

"Do you just want to be a couple with me? BABY AND XIAo Ming? I think you'd better call me landlord." The red light was replaced by a green light. He started the car and continued to drive forward without squining.

Oh, that's not right. I suddenly thought of a very important thing. Obviously, I shamelessly asked for Chen Xiaoming's phone number, but he took the initiative to send it to my door before I took action. The original script should not have developed like this.

"I said, brother, can we find a place to eat first? I'm so hungry that my stomach juice is about to be gone. The lonely man in a plaid shirt stretched out a hand from behind and waved it in front of the landlord in protest.

What to eat? Have you eaten yet?" He thought for a moment and asked me slightly.

Damn, my nose is sore. How many years has no one asked me if I have eaten? God knows what kind of life I live every day. Eat five meals a day when you can, and one meal three days when you can't. I secretly checked it on the Internet. This seems to be called alternating boating anorexia. But no one has ever known my irregular eating habits. I still remember once in the dormitory, at four o'clock in the morning, everyone went to bed, and my stomach was very uncomfortable. I ran to the bathroom alone and vomited. I didn't eat that day, and I really vomited until the gastric juice flowed out. Those dirty **s flowed all over my body, or I still vomited, and finally ended up in my coma.

I woke up in the toilet, but the rising sun was messy on my face. I found myself lying on the ground, next to the trash can in the toilet. The trash can had been poured out, and the sanitary napkins used by my roommates were scattered everywhere. My whole body was stiff and cold and trembling. When I fainted, my head touched the wall and it was swollen. I stood up from the cold cement floor. Clean up the trash can first, and then clean up the vomit in the quiet toilet. Finally, I went to the laundry table to open the maximum of the water pipe and frantically filled my mouth with tap water. When I felt that my stomach was bulging and there was something else, I felt better. I crawled back to sleep. Later, I slept very well and didn't have nightmares.

I will also think that I am a ridiculous person, and I have to torture myself crazily to make myself comfortable.

After waking up, the other two classmates in my dormitory went to school, leaving only me and Sister Lu. I threw a cigarette at her and said softly, "Hi, honey. Do you know that I fainted in the toilet last night?

She is puzzled.

I continued to ask, "Do you know how desperate that feeling is?" I took a deep breath of smoke and deliberately didn't spit out the smoke to let it stay in my lungs. "I have entered a state of complete unconsciousness. I think death, but it's the same."

She also laughed. She is a few years older than me and is very timely between the post-80s and post-90s. She always scolds us for being brainless and temperless. Once I cut my wrist alone in the dormitory. She just came back and saw it. She glanced at me and said nothing. She directly went to her desk and took out an oversized fruit knife and hummed on the laundry table to wash it. After washing the dust on it, she grabbed the blood-stained pencil knife in my hand and handed me the fruit knife and said, " Baby, use this to die faster.

I didn't answer at that time, and I was stupid. She has experienced much more than me, so I feel that sometimes I have to listen to her words, because I'm not really going to die. I still have a way to go and have something to do, and that's all I can do.

"Death, do you also feel like death?" She turned over and found the most comfortable position to lie **, looking at the smoke that was difficult to dissipate easily in the mosquito net. "I have been with my boyfriend for five years and had three children. The first time was made by me before it took shape, and the second time was a daughter. It had been three months since I found her. At that time, I didn't have money, so I kept procrastinating. I didn't do it until she was six months old. My stomach was very big. At that time, she had to have an induced abortion to shed her. Her voice was very light, as light as a thin thread, and it was completely broken with a slight touch. "I stayed in the hospital for a week. On the night of the seventh day, I finally flowed her away. I saw her. Her small body was purple and curled up. Just as I was about to reach out and touch her, an expressionless nurse came over and pointed it at her with tweezers and told me that I would spend forty yuan to buy a black plastic bag and then take it to the crematorium to burn it. In fact, I want to say no, but it's too late. My boyfriend has taken a plastic bag and put her in. This is my daughter." Her voice was a little hoarse, but her tone was calm and she wanted to narrate something that had nothing to do with her, so indifferent.

I put out the smoke and lay down like her.

She continued, "The next year, I was pregnant again. This time I was pregnant with a son, which was the time when I was in my senior year of high school. I firmly told my boyfriend this time that no matter what, I will give birth to him no matter what the price is! I can't see my flesh and blood being gently put into a black plastic bag worth only 40 yuan. Even if he has no life, no breath and no smile, I can't do it!"

"So were you born?" I felt that my running water was spreading. It should be surging out, blurring my vision and wet my pillow, which disrupted my mind even more.

"Of course. That was the most depressed period of my life, but I never regret it. You know, A Li, when I told my boyfriend that I was going to give birth to him, he said that I was crazy, and he said that he didn't want to see me anymore. But I still have no hesitation. At that time, I couldn't go home and tell my parents. All I could say was that I was training art in Beijing, but in fact I lived alone in a remote town. I don't know anyone. I rented a small room for 100 yuan a month at the health clinic in that town. I'm wearing a big floral shirt worn by rural women and thick and loose trousers. I became sloppy, and I didn't comb my hair and didn't even bother to take a shower. I will go to the morning market to buy vegetables and cook them on the spot, and I will quarrel with the vegetable vendors for a dime. After lunch, I went to play mahjong with the idle women in the town, 24 cents and 80 cents. Sometimes I win them more than ten yuan, and I feel extremely comfortable. In the evening, I went back to my small room to cook dinner. Sometimes I made fish soup, and sometimes I made chicken soup for myself. After dinner, I can sketch or sketch. In fact, I wanted to paint oil painting more at that time, but I didn't have extra money to afford expensive oil painting tools. It was just the only regret I had during that time.

"What happened later?" I covered my face with a quilt, because I had cried, but I didn't want anyone to hear it.

"When I was living in the small town for the sixth month, I gave birth to him alone in the clinic. I named him Nian An, which means Nian Nian Nian. He is very white, fat, healthy and cute. His eyes are very similar to me, but his mouth is more like my boyfriend. It was my first time to have a baby. At that time, I couldn't move when the amniotic fluid was broken. I was alone, and it was very painful. I fell on the uneven floor of the room and couldn't shout. My voice seemed to be choked by something. I knew I was going to give birth. I took off my trousers and gave birth to him with a hard time. Fortunately, he is very healthy, and it is also the proudest thing I have done. So A Li, compared with me, which one do you think is more desperate?

"Your parents are abroad. They give you a super good material life. There are several people who can compare what you eat, wear and play. In China, you love your aunt and grandma who loves you every day. So A Li, what right do you have to say in front of me that you are desperate, so what right do you have to play the drama of cutting your wrists in the dormitory? Don't be like this in the future, baby. It's really ironic to me. You are much happier than me.

Her voice is still calm and gentle, without any emotional ups and downs.

She was originally a good-looking woman, but now her exquisite figure is really hard to believe that she once subverted and gave birth to a child. But she never lies to me, and she doesn't have to lie to me.

She is reminding me, baby, you are very happy. Don't add sorrow to yourself, it will make you cold and old and die faster.

What kind of person will a child be born peaceful in a disaster? Will he have as meticulous eyebrows as his mother? Or dare to love and hate like his mother, and go straight. God bless you, my good year.

"Nian An, where are you now?"

"My boyfriend found me the day after I gave birth. He knew that something had happened. There was nothing he could do. He couldn't strangle the child. He found someone I didn't know and picked up Nian'an. Until now, I have never seen Nian An again. After calculation, he should be three years old this year. I don't hate my boyfriend. At that time, I was so young, and there were really no way to turn things around. I thought he was cold-blooded and he was not sad. Later, once I went to the bathroom in the middle of the night and found him crying alone in the bathroom, muttering that he wanted to live a good night. That's the first time I've been with him for so many years that I've seen him cry so sadly. Since then, we have never mentioned Nian An. Ali, you always say that you have nightmares about insomnia, but do you know that? I'm much more serious than you! You can sleep at least until four or five o'clock, but I do have insomnia all night. Or as soon as I closed my eyes, I saw my daughter curled up in her little body and lay in the plastic bag worth 40 yuan. She called me, she called my mother, and she said she was going to kill me. But I can only cry. Or I will dream of Nian An. In his dream, he told me that the family who adopted him was not good to him, and always beat him and scolded him for not giving him food. How much pain I have, it hurts more than ever. But you still have to live, don't you?"

She said, "Baby, do you feel much better after listening to my story?"

After that, I didn't say anything anymore. I lay down for a whole day and fell asleep again. As time goes by, the years go by, and I am powerless about too many things, including me for myself.

"BABY, are you hungry?" The blue T-shirt in the back kicked the cushion behind me when I didn't speak for a long time.

The landlord also found that I was wrong. He turned his head and looked at me carefully, "Why are you crying? How long has it been since you haven't eaten? There's no need to be moved like this?

I wiped my tears randomly, "No, no, eat the dry pot. Oh, there is just one on the roadside. Just stop there.