chapter 43 hindsight

I rubbed my fingers on the letter paper and continued to look down. "Later, every time I went home, the woman was at my house. She gave me a white pill, said it was sugar, and let me eat it. Of course, I'm not as stupid as she thought. I know she wants to hurt me. It's definitely not good to kill me. It's even more convenient to be an idiot with cerebral palsy. I began to be afraid of her, and I began to be afraid of going home. From now on, I will make all kinds of excuses every weekend, such as what school needs to make up lessons, I have to go to cram school, rehearse opera or something, wander on the street, or stay all night in an Internet cafe. One night, someone called me to go to a place and said that my father had an accident, so I believed it. The place where I took a taxi was a hotel. I didn't doubt it at that time. After I went in, I was raped by three people. Oh, I should say that there are three women with flat heads, and a long-haired man looking at us and laughing, taking pictures with a camera in their hands. At first, I was very painful. I cried all the time. I even thought of biting my tongue and committed suicide. I don't think I can. I want to live. I want to kill them. I want to smash them to pieces. The flash of the camera was swaying white and irritating my eyes. I fainted with pain, and I woke up in pain. I fainted, woke up, and came and went. I couldn't even count the number of times. They didn't stop until my snowy white sheets were dyed red. The long-haired woman let the three women get dressed and go out. She sat by my bed. At that time, I was already exhausted. Her fingers pinched my chin and shook the camera in the other hand and asked me, 'Baby, how about being my girlfriend? Don't refuse to agree. If I release these photos, you will definitely not find a boyfriend.' I felt that my eyes were congested, and my fingers clenched the sheets and continued to bleed. I looked at her and nodded. Zhang Xunyi, you have met her. She is the one who came to see me in our school that time. Her name is Adan. She is the cousin of her father's mistress. She is a perverted gay.

Seeing this, I took a quiet look. He was closing his eyes, and his eyelashes were still trembling slightly.

I patted him on the shoulder, "Go and close the door, I'll smoke a cigarette. Otherwise, I can't stand it."

Forgive me, baby, I need to support my spirit with smoke in your story, because it really shocked me too much. I have heard the story of a girl being raped by several boys, but if it were three women, I would feel that it was a bad situation.

When I opened my eyes, I saw that his eyes were wet and he pretended not to see them. He got up and closed the door of the room and locked it. Then he took out a bag of Yellow Crane Tower from his pocket and threw it to me. He lay down again to ** and closed his eyes. I know that he is under great psychological pressure now. It is too difficult to accept that the girl he likes has been ruined like this.

Later, I felt that my understanding was too superficial, because I hadn't finished reading the letter at that time.

I pulled out one and clicked on it. "Adan took drugs and gambled money. My living expenses were not enough for her at all, so I had no choice but to secretly take something out from home for her. If you are found by your father, you will be beaten. If you don't give her money, you will also be beaten. Once I bought a bottle of Diwei at the farmer's market, exchanged it into mineral water and put it in my schoolbag. Every time after school, she would come and wait for me to get the money. At that time, she was ready to die with her. But in the last class that afternoon, you said you liked me. Zhang Xunyi, how to put it, I cry whenever I think of the plot at that time. It's a lot when you drop it. When I first came to class, I sat with you. Our seat was near the window. Every time there was a sunny day, it always spilled on me through you first. You always sleep in class. When you sleep, your face is close to the book and drool. Once Xiaonan in the front row turned his head and said, 'Zhang Xunyi, your saliva is flowing to the geography book.' You looked at him sleepyly, turned a page of the book and continued to sleep. I sat with you and recalled too much. You remember what you can't remember. I remember everything. I once told others that my life is completely submerged in the darkness. My soul is like a blind man. I will never know what the sun looks like, but when I meet you, I see the sunshine, which is very dazzling, because it is too dazzling. I am afraid that I will blasify your soul if I am too close to you. This is the beginning when you talk to me and I avoid it. Your reason. I lied to you about my family background, but I don't want to make myself more tragic. Zhang Xunyi, don't blame me. I'm really afraid that a dirty person like me will make you dark. But I love you too deeply, and it's too unexpected to walk with you. Don't look at my mobile phone. I'm afraid you will find my secret. I want you to turn over my schoolbag, because the bottle of mineral water full of fear is always in it. I don't take the initiative to call you, but I'm afraid that the more I love, the more I will be, and in the end I will even forget revenge. I really want to keep the clothes and bags you bought for me forever, but Adan found them and exchanged them all for money to forgive my cowardice, so in the end our love became vulnerable.

"Zhang Xunyi, do you believe it? In fact, I have been brave. I want to risk it and tell Dan that I want to break up. I don't want revenge. Even if Dan wants to spread those photos, I will tell my father the whole story. Even if the fish is dead and the net is broken, as long as you are still by my side. But honey, fate has never been kind to me. How can you peek at my mobile phone at that time? I want to say it's a misunderstanding, but it's not a misunderstanding. It's as stubborn as you. Did you still listen to my explanation at that time? I know that for you, it is a rare luxury in my life. It should be the only one. It is rare. Blame me for being too greedy, or for fate sending you to me and pulling us away in the cruelest way. YOU MAY NOT KNOW HOW MUCH I HATE, MORE THAN WHEN THE THREE WOMEN UNCTURE WO, I HATE THAT I CAN'T BE WITH YOU. Even though we broke up, I can still sit beside you. You deliberately didn't look at me. You called other girls loudly in class and knocked down the ink on my desk when you passed by me. I knew you were losing your temper. They were all children. I took Adan for a while, but I didn't expect her to find the school, and I didn't expect that you would stand in front of me when she raised her hand to hit me. You looked at me with such clean eyes, 'Wu Mengmeng, as long as you say you don't, I will believe you. As long as you say... You didn't!' Honey, I also seem to be shouting confidently. I didn't! But I can't lie to you anymore. If I lie to you again, it will only make me feel worse, so I said I'm sorry to you, although I know you won't forgive me. When you left, I looked at your back and smiled. I know, we're done. I swear I'm dying of pain. It's too expensive to breathe.

"You may not understand that if I lose my life, you are equivalent to losing something. I have nothing left. This is my last blow. I want revenge, and I want to die with them. A DAN AND I HAVE TO YAN HAVE TO ANOTHER CITY. THERE IS THEIR TAREST HERE, AND HER LUN FRIENDS ARE ALSO HERE. I've been collecting evidence. I'm going to catch them all, and the woman who has been killing me. I want them all to die! Tonight, I will kill Adan with enemy fear in the house first, and then ask the police to call to come and arrest other people. Dan, I must kill her with my own hands, so that I can have an explanation for what I have suffered. They produce too much poison, and they will definitely be sentenced to death. If I kill someone, I can't be sentenced to death because I'm a minor. I know that my report involves too much. Even if I don't get the death penalty, I won't have a good life in the cell, and I will be retaliated as soon as I get out of prison. If they can die, it doesn't matter whether I live or not, as long as they can. It's sunny today. I don't know when this letter will reach you. I don't know if you have the patience to finish reading it. Zhang Xunyi, if you say that you have really received and finished reading this letter, please keep it. Because at this time, I should be dead. I don't know if I can go to heaven. I'm so dirty that angels won't take me in. If one day you can dream in a dream, don't drive me away, okay? Forgive me, I really miss you so much. Finally, goodbye, Xiaoyi. I hope you will be angry."

My tears soaked the letter paper, and I couldn't see a lot of handwriting clearly.

Did your finger on the final signature, "Wu Mengmeng, the last pen."

I never thought that I would be able to read a suicide note in my lifetime.

A cold and desperate breath from the paper spread from my fingertips to my whole body, and my whole body trembled uncontrollably. Maybe it's because of fear, sadness, or something else. Yes, the world is so dirty. How can it be so dirty? Why?

Can the children who are favored by fate always enjoy happiness carefree, and we children who are forgotten by fate can only be locked in the black box all our lives and can't turn over?

Did you do something wrong in your last life? Did you do something wrong? Is it the whole family that killed fate? That's why it does this to us.

Also, the girl in the letter...

Really, is it dead?

After smoking the cigarette in my hand, I quickly pulled out one from the cigarette box to light myself, because my fingers trembled too much, and the flame of the lighter went out several times. The smoke is only half burned, and some people say that some "smoke" is an ominous omen.

"Wu Mengmeng, she..."

Xiao Yi's voice was a little hoarse and his tone was very calm. "After receiving the letter, I went to her city according to the address on the postmark." He still closed his eyes, and the dim light on the chandelier shone on his overly young face. For a moment, I seemed to smell the pause of time. Only for a moment, I smelled the condensation of time. I know that life is short, and there are many things that are too difficult to be satisfactory. Time is too urgent, so anxious that we can disappear before we can see it clearly.

If possible, I want to say that the most irresponsible thing in the world is the end of time. It's too ruthless, but it makes so many people miss it. Because they are all ordinary people, who have not become immortals, let alone the psychology of saints and philosophers, we are also remembering those past times. Yes, she was a beauty in the old days, which was hard to hate. It's the same with me, you and him.