chapter 99 nostalgia, flowing years

She nodded shyly, just like the first time I saw her. In fact, Angie looks like my favorite girl, and she is also the type I want to be most. She is gentle, gentle and considerate, doesn't swear, and doesn't shout, and put an end to all hysteria. Living her own life in an orderly manner, everyone is smiling. Even if the boy she likes scolds her as a bitch with his middle finger up, she still smiles at her.

I know it's just an appearance, but I still insist on what I like.

She still nodded and said to me with a smile, "A Li, you should know that even if you order the latte I hate most, I will still nod and say that I like it."

Her voice is soft, just like a smoky dream in this autumn, which can't be erased.

"Then what do you want to talk about?" I put the cup in my hand on the table and found that the tablecloth was a small idyllic flower, which was extremely cute. This kind of scheming simplicity also made me like it. "Angie, in fact, you should laugh at me for asking that question just now. I know you're going to say Chen Yi."

She also picked up the cup and took a careful sip. She was silent for a while and looked at me with her hands in her arms. "A Li, we won't talk about Chen Yi today. Let me tell you a story."

I laughed, pretended to take the opinion book and pencil on the table, and looked at Angie seriously, "Well, you know, I'm a writer. The story I prepared below just needs a lot of material in this regard. Dark, decadent, decadent... Come on, I'm listening. But I hope your story is typical.

She still smiled, "Absolutely typical." With that, she approached me mysteriously and deliberately looked around, motioned me to pass my ear, and whispered to me in my ear, "A Li, I have a secret to tell you. I'm gay, I'm p."

I looked sideways at her and made a very exaggerated expression to cooperate with her. I didn't stop writing four self-deprecating words on the paper, "Looking for Revelation".

Yes, we are all looking for someone, aren't we?

Her body leaned back and slowly leaned against the sofa behind her, her eyes hazy. I smelled the smell of fateful stay again, but I couldn't find where the smell came from, who it was, and I had such an entangled fate. Or as long as everyone in the world is accompanied by fate, but more or less, some I smell it is lucky, and some I don't smell it. These things are difficult to tangle. Because there is no result after entanglement, so why?

"I have always lived in this city. I love everything in this city, but sometimes I feel that I am not so loving, because there are people who really can't let go. It's hard for me to hate and love, and then I became blind. What should I do in my life, Ali, do you know? I'm really ashamed of the fact that I have a problem with my sexual orientation. I can't be as calm as Anya, but sometimes I have to admit it. I think I have failed my parents and everything, although they don't know. But I have made countless assumptions that if they knew that their two precious daughters were like this, would they collapse? There is nothing we can do. In order to fulfill my filial piety, I will get married and have children in the future, but I will always love me. Baby, do you know what I mean?

baby, that's what she calls me. I don't know why, I would rather hear her shallow voice than Chen Yi's ambiguous words.

I quickly wrote a sentence under those four big words, "My years, the vicissitudes of life" and then put down the pen. Like Angie, I leaned lazily on the sofa behind me. My head just pillowed into the fur on the edge of my hat, like a small animal nesting for the winter, and I felt very comfortable.

But I want to cry, I really want to cry. Can you tell me a story of happiness? Why can I take some responsibility for your years as long as it only hears the beginning and the tragic end?

She dodged my sight and took a breath on the glass. The window was immediately covered with a layer of silent fog. She wrote a word "Shuo" on it with the tip of her right index finger. "Her name is Shuo. I have used various ways to understand the meaning of this word. According to the dictionary, the basic meaning of the word 1. The first day of the lunar month: 2. Beginning: "It all starts from it." 3 North. But my favorite is the sentence from Zhuangzi. I don't know the obscurity, and I don't know the spring and autumn. She is not tall, thin, not beautiful, but special. She has short hair, acts decisively, is strong and resolute, and I are completely two different types of people. But I have never regarded her as a boy. I know clearly that she is a girl and she is the person I like. Lover. It is said that love knows no borders and no age. As long as there is love, it can come together, but what I wonder is... Love, why do you have to divide gender? We are not wrong, but we can't be accepted by the world. A Li, I know that you can't accept Chen Yi and Li Luo, and you can't accept Dai Xue and Anya. I know that you hate all gays after that, which is normal. As I said, I hate it, too. After she finished writing that word, her fingers scratched something on the glass until the traces she had written on it faded. After the Shuo character had never existed, she slowly turned her head and continued to smile.

I don't know why, there was a sudden ** in my stomach, and it began to hurt violently again. I put my hand on the coffee cup to warm it up, and then put it on my stomach to try to warm the cold place. Whether it works or not, it's all later.

"You may laugh, Ali, but it's true. When I was in the first semester of the third year of junior high school, she secretly kissed me in the face during self-study one day. I actually have a feeling of blush and heartbeat. I don't know why I feel this way about girls. Of course, I care very much and don't know much about the full definition of the word homosexuality. I just hide in the quilt and guess. Later, I found that I couldn't stop feeling more and more about Shuo. What was more horrible was that I really found that I liked her. I can never say what kind of secret love and admiration it is. But I was afraid to admit that I was gay. Maybe I was young at that time. In the second semester of the third year of junior high school, we went to the teacher's house because of our poor grades. The teacher could make up lessons for us, and we slept in a bed. When I was about to graduate, she would secretly kiss me every night when I was asleep, but we pretended that nothing had happened during the day, and I didn't dare to cooperate with her at night and pretended to be asleep. But I'm very satisfied with her way of intimacy, and I want to be more intimate. Even I feel ashamed. Then I didn't expose this relationship until graduation. I thought everything was the source, and it was still perfect. Although I expected a bleak end in the end, how could we be so young to care so much... What surprised me most was the sudden appearance of her girlfriend.

My hands are also getting cold with the temperature on my belly. I let the skin rub against each other, but there is no amazing result. In this way, my stomach hurts more and more, and it seems that my whole stomach is unconsciously stirred together.

"After the middle school entrance examination, I entered a good high school, and she failed because of the middle school entrance examination and went to a second-rate vocational middle school in the city. I never call and text her or say a word on QQ, but write to her. I know that there is absolutely no one as old-fashioned as me. In this era, I still have to use letters to convey my feelings. Forgive me, I've never been a popular person. I'm very pedantic and stubborn. If I confirm it, I will confirm it. No one can change it... What moved me most was that in the first semester of high school, during the 5.12 earthquake, she ran to our school to find me. When I saw her, I suddenly felt that everything was not important. We hugged each other on the playground, and everyone thought we were sisters. That's because I don't know how lucky I am that she can appear in my life and I can't control anything. After that, we began to talk on the phone, and the talk time became longer and longer day by day... This is my most satisfactory result, but the good times are not long. Once I called again with the voice of a strange girl. Her voice was cold and strong disdain, asking me if I was Angel. I said yes. She said that she was Shuo's girlfriend. They have been together for more than two years, and... She is also the goddaughter of Shuo's father. She said that I was just a shameless outsider and unqualified. Speaking of this, I saw Angie smile bitterly, and the tears hanging in the corners of her eyes were about to slide down. "Yes... Those four words are not qualified to kill me directly. I held the phone in a daze for a long time, and finally fell silent and pressed to end the call. I swear that at that time, I really wanted to give up looking for a clean and sunny boy with good grades, but I didn't expect her to come to me again. I was moved again. Because I still love her, I let her step on two boats. A Li, do you think I'm stupid? Don't laugh at me. My story is not as wonderful as yours, but typical, I think it's enough.

I didn't make a sound and turned my head slightly so that she could see the extent of my smile.

Baby, what are you talking about? Maybe you are the only one in the world who will say that my story is wonderful. But in my mind, it was just a meaningless and boring farce that I staged when I was young. If you really want to comment on a wonderful and bad one, I think I can only say that it is wonderful and has a gimmick.

Look at these stories I told, about youth, homosexuality, drug abuse, suicide and self-harm, chaotic private life, always entangled emotional involvement, family fiasco, irresponsible parents and brave rebellion when we were young. We toss and tos others, and our self-redemption is waiting for redemption but we have not been obtained. Redemption. I don't know how to define these things. They all die when they see light. They can only grow freely in a dark angle and can't see the sun.

Like me...

"I saw it very late when we went to the cinema one day, so I asked her to call my family and say that I would do my homework together at her house and not go home to sleep. My parents agreed. As a result, we opened a room outside, and I gave her my first time. Maybe I'm too simple. I know in my heart that she doesn't love me. At most, she likes me. But there is only one idea in my heart. If you give it to her, she won't leave me. If you give it to her, she will love me. That time I was in pain. I looked at her eyes with my painful and twisted face. In addition, it was blank. Only then did I know that she didn't love me. If you don't love, you don't love. You give it to the whole world that she doesn't love. The next day, she got up and got dressed, saying that it was time to buy breakfast for her girlfriend. Leave me alone in the hotel. The crimson blood stains on the naked and snow-white sheets are painful. At that time, I already felt that I couldn't give up. If I want to love, I have to love to the end. After all, I was a third party and an outsider, and I was really not qualified to ask about things between them. All I can do is love her well. I imagine that one day she will be moved by my love and leave me alone. A Li, don't laugh at me... I am such a person. I want to say that I'm too simple, but even I think it's funny... How can a dirty person like me accompany himself with simple words? I don't deserve it. I'm not qualified. I haven't had it all the time, and I won't have it in the future.